The 2010 World Cup begins in four days. I have been counting down the days until June 11 for nearly six months, and in four days, my facebook friends will be free of my obsession. Soccer has been a part of my life since age five, and now at 24 has always taken up a large portion of my life. A voice rings in my head every now and then telling me,
"You could still do it."
For a brief moment I believe it, because I know that in that moment it's true. I could turn my back on everything I know and commit to it. Multiple times I've put on a face that catches people off guard. I've come out from behind the words of my glory-days and actually shown that it's not a mask I'm wearing, but instead a sheet that I'm comfortable being under, but gets easily thrown off with the right inspiration. I love to be inspired. In that same moment lie dreams of stepping foot on perfect pitches, traveling to places that only exist on maps, pictures, or in others' words, and playing next to Dempseys, Donovans, Holdens, Bradleys. The moment passes when I see how much competition I have with the team I'm working to earn a spot on, and I once again take my seat as a scarf wearing spectator - in full support of what I love, but from a distance where I can't be overcome by the incredible urge to participate; and fail.
I've known God five years longer than soccer. He, too, has shaped my life in a way that many cannot understand. That relationship has stages similar to those I've described with soccer. Each day I get that voice in my head, letting me know that I could turn my back on everything I know and resemble the Davids, Pauls, Peters, Johns. But then I see my competition. It's not so much the "what-not-to-do's", but those who are more committed to it than I am. I see them as impossible to overcome - no matter the circumstance, they can't be shaken. It's at this moment that I take my seat as someone who can believe God from a safe distance, watching and supporting those who do the same, but lacking the fight myself to participate and be beaten by these opponents who should actually be my teammates.
Each of these is a war within, I suppose, and I imagine they will be going on for quite sometime. Four years from Friday I could be singing a different tune altogether. It's a day by day thing and I will continuously be searching for the time I finally follow through, but until then, go USA.
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